Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Hamburglar Can Swim

Thanks, K - this sucks. I can barely remember to brush my teeth in the morning and you want me to think of 8 things to reveal about myself. Which reminds me...

1. I am a floss freak. I whip it out (the dental floss, you pigs) about 6 or 7 times a day - every time I put something in my mouth. I have a thing about it my teeth in general, I guess. They must feel like glass. So if I can't brush, I rub off any "stuff" that's on them with a napkin or paper towel, or my shirt if there aren't any paper products handy. Ever try those little things that go over your finger that you use to "brush" your teeth - awesome. It's addictive.

Be right back...................................
OK, I'm back - had to floss.

2. My pits are a swamp. My armpits are always wet. It can be 30 degrees out and I sweat under my arms, even if I'm freezing. When I sweat hard, my pits can get really funky, no matter how many sticks of deodorant I use. If I wear a white shirt, it turns yellow under the arms due to whatever toxic substance is in my pits. I tried everything - even the stupid crystal that you wet and rub on - nothing works.
Before we got married, I had Botox injections under my arms so I wouldn't sweat and ruin my dress. It was the greatest thing ever - I didn't sweat under my arms for 6 months. Then back to reality - damn!

3. This is rated R, so go to #4 if you are a prude. I shave myself clean - like a baby's bottom in the summer. Ahhhhh, feels nice, except when it starts growing back - itchy!

4. I love black men. There's just something about them. Before I met Cindy, and prior to the guy I lived with before that, I dated black men almost exclusively.

5. I am a grammar freak/snob. I find it very difficult to talk to people who use bad grammar. It makes me cringe and I get a tic from listening to it.

6. I am a fanatic about my floors. I clean my tile and hardwood on my hands and knees with old, soft rags. If it were possible to do it daily, I would. I shampoo my carpet often (used to be 2x/month - less now). I vacuum every day. I ask people to remove their shoes when they come in my house. I sends me into an anxiety frenzy when people forget to take them off.

7. I wipe my dog's butt with baby wipes after he poops. Nuff said.

8. I have a recurring nightmare that began when I was very young. I am in front of my house, then suddenly - a flood. Then the Hamburglar starts chasing me and I start swimming as fast as I can down my block, but he is a better swimmer than me and he is catching up fast. I feel the terror and then he is right behind me and just about to grab me - then I wake up. Analyze that!


K J and the kids said...

Are you FREAKING kidding me.
HOLY SHIT where do I begin.
Ok, fresh on my mind. Baby wipes. SERIOUSLY. So you Watch to see if he poops everytime he goes to the bathroom and then you chase him down and wipe his ass ? I'm in shock. UTTER disbelief that ANYONE would do this.

These are things that I should know about your before September. I would have gone in shoes on and then what ? It would have been over before it started. :)
I don't think you would ever want to come to my house. I'm not that clean.

You have a LOVE for the burger but you know that it'll kill ya. :)

THAT was a great meme.

nailgirl said...

K, I would be willing to bet money that E wipes her dog's but because he puts, then he comes in and does the boot scooting boogie on her carpet. Eww gross. My dog used to do that. That was a great meme! I heart black men too. Give me some ving rhames, the guy from nypd blue and a few others yummy.

Tracerhawk said...

To quote a friend "You freaked my freak". I can understand wiping the dog, I have an occasional scooter myself but every time? And that's one big dog too!

ECand3 said...

Let's dispel the myth. He's not a scooter. No dog of mine is gonna have an itchy ass and scratch it on my carpet. And no dog of mine is let out into the yard to pee and poop willy nilly on the grass I take such pains to keep green and healthy. Im OCD, remember?
I walk him to pee and poop, then wipe his feet and ass when we get back to the house.
K - there are sooooooo many things you should know about me before September. No worries - I am not high maintenance or difficult. Have no fear - if my house gets dirty, I'll just clean it. It'll make me happy to do it!
However, the shoes must come off. Anyway, what's better than being barefoot (and pregnant)!
Nailgirl - Malik Yoba (from some police drama) and Bruce, from Judging Amy - oofah!
Tracerhawk - EVERY TIME! No dingleberries in my house for my kids to find on the floor and eat. I know, I'm a wierdo. But a happy one.

Amy said...

I will start off by telling you what I told KJ- you are ATE UP!!

Flossing-totally get that though I know no one who is that fanatical about it.

What do you do in the winter? Let it go wild or clip it. Wild would be so wrong compared to your summer "do".

And my last thought or inquiry. Did you know that baby wipes work great on muddy paws as well. Gets the dirt out of there nails. Our dog sitter taught us that.

Still stalkin' ya.

ajs4ever said...

WOW-- and I thought I was bad:) Between the Hamburglar, the wipes, and the flossing- OH MY! Girl you need to let loose- hehe:) That was a super me-me, I have been laughing my ass off!!! Hilarious;)

ECand3 said...

AJS - the funny thing is that I am the "crazy-ass" friend in our group here. I am so loose that I am hardly held together. I am a dangerous irony unto myself.

Stalker - what does "ate up" mean? Is it a Utah thing? Splain, please!
Nothin' wild growing here - always tamed and neat.
I wipe doggie paws as well as ass - I am a believer in the baby wipe.

Amy said...

No mormons growing in my backyard. Just a midwestern girl from the buckeye state. "Ate up" is just our way of saying that you are not right.

Discovered on another blog that the baby wipe is good for cleaning up cat and dog puke from the carpet as well. I am sure that is not a problem for you, you probably trained him to puke in a bowl or in the toilet. By the way, I read back on some of your earlier blogs and he is an AWESOME dog.

ECand3 said...

Max is trained to go to the door whenever he feels the urge to expel any bodily fluid or solid from his body.
He is an awesome dog - thanks!

hotomiky said...

sorry - my grammar isnt so great and its not my fault as well.. :o(

I've tried so hard for many many years...

thats great meme!!