Thursday, August 23, 2007

What Have I Done?

This morning I woke with more anxiety than usual. Emma didn't sleep last night at all. She was up several times and crying constantly. She wouldn't eat when Jake did at 4:30, so she woke again at 6. I fed her, we fell asleep for 10 minutes, then it was a total loss from there. Everyone was up, except Jake. It's now 9 am and he just got up.
All I want to do is cry.
I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. Emma was in her jumper, fairly happy, then just started screaming on and off for at least 10 minutes while I just sat here on the couch, trying to figure out what was wrong with her. She's been screaming a lot lately - her version of talking, but this seemed a little different. Was it? I couldn't tell. But why not? I'm her mother and I should certainly know these things after 5 months. Still screaming, but laughing in between. OK, out of the jumper - how about the play mat? She likes to kick the thing that plays music and lights up. Picked her up. Wow, her diaper is soaking wet. When was the last time I changed her? Can't even remember. It's basic, they are hungry, tired, gassy or wet. Simple. But not for me. Not today.
I ran out of cereal and formula Tuesday night, I'm running really low on diapers and was supposed to go get more yesterday. I didn't do it. I just sat in the house all day. Did nothing. Thank goodness I had enough formula to get me through this morning and just enough diapers, too. The last time I went out to get them, I bought the wrong size. They are way too small for Jake, and they barely fit Emma. They can't be comfortable, but I still didn't go get more yesterday. And I could have. Olivia was in school, so it would have been easy to just throw the babies in their car seats and take the ride to the store. Didn't do it. Don't want to do it now.
Now the tears are rolling. These are basic needs my babies have and I am no meeting them.
There's also this feeling I've have a lot lately - like everyone is mad at me. I must ask Cindy 3 or 4 times a day whether she is mad at me for something, but I can never figure out what I could have done. She always says no, but that nagging feeling won't let go.
Then there are the friends. The ones who live so close. They don't call or come over to play. I'm the one with 3 kids and it's always me calling to get together. What did I do? Are they mad? Or worse, do they just not like me anymore? Did I say something? Was I insensitive? Selfish? Mean? I'm sure I can be all these things, but I can't remember if I was.
And then there's another friend. I'll just call her K. She has 2 kids, almost 3 years and almost 1. We used to get together once a week. There was some craziness with my pregnancy and other family stuff, so we stopped for a while. But we always talked. She used to talk to me, tell me stuff. No more. I feel a barrier. I feel like she's mad at me. What did I do? I can't figure it out.
It gets worse. I feel like people I don't even know are mad at me - or just plain don't like me. For example, Bloggers I know only from this site. Never met 'em, never spoke to 'em. They commented a couple times. I commented a couple times. Now nothing. Something I said?
The paranoia is horrible.
Here's the kicker - the thing that sealed it. I'm crying like a baby. Usually my dog comes over and puts his snout right in my face and stares at me with those big eyes, as if to say, "It's OK, Mommy. I love you." Not this time, he went into the other room - and there he sits. I don't think it could get worse than that.
What have I done?

12 comments:

nailgirl said...

You didn't do anything. I love your blog and check daily for updates. You are taking care of three babies, that in itself is monumental. Cut yourself some slack. Put the babies in the stroller, and go for a walk. Reach out to your friends. blogger and every day friends. Maybe people just think you are too busy and dont want to bother you. They dont know how you are really feelings. Quit second guessing yourself, you are doing a great job. You Rock!
Then if you feel like it maybe go talk to your doctor about some of your feelings hugs!

nailgirl said...

Hey at least you got a comment soon after you posted this. I posted a new post yesterday afternoon, and have had no responses boo hoo.

ECand3 said...

Thanks, Nailgirl. It looks like it's you and me today. Wanna be my best friend?

nailgirl said...

Yeah I need another best friend :) All mine live out of town those bitches. The one good friend I have here in town has four kids of her own, and we meet daily at the school and try to squeeze as much girl time in as we can. In fact she said to me this morning....... Denise despite the fact that our kids are separated again this year, I sure am thankful that we get to meet every morning like this. Aww.

Tammy said...

My poor friend, it's okay. You are very loved by everyone--especially me :)....Don't try to be invincible because you are not and never will be. Relax, have a glass of wine and if you need to talk to someone, call me--ANYTIME! No barrier here.

Holly said...

Hey...I'm joining this pity party too!
It sounds like you need a vacation. Maybe we all do! I agree with the go for a walk thing. Get out of the house!!

Don't be afraid to reach out! We're here!

K J and the kids said...

(the only reason I didn't get here sooner was because my kids have me on the go today...sorry...I'm ALWAYS here for you..OH and that I didn't expect a post from you twice in one week:) ha ha ha)

I have to say that I could have WRITTEN this post.
I think we ALL feel like this at times. ESPECIALLY with the...did I say something...do something part.
Usually I start my period shortly after and things go back to the way they were.

I wonder if this isn't chemical with you. Seriously.

I do think it's growing, changing, less interaction, less in common.
I could go on and on as to why you are feeling abandoned. None of it is your fault.

As for little Miss Emma. She's a girl...and with that comes a responsibility to keep you on your toes at all times. She's probably teething. growing. pre menstrual. :)

Oh. They did a study on babies. They took dirty diapers off of 6 babies and changed them to clean ones...the other 1/2 were changed but put back in the same dirty diaper throughout a couple of days.
It didn't make a difference AT ALL to the disposition of the babies.
They were just happy to be picked up and played with for a moment while getting their nappy changed.

I've stopped changing my kids for this reason :) Thanks study.

Please call me or email me if you need to talk. I'm ALWAYS here for you.

hotomiky said...

It is very normal to feel that way. I do feel that way once a while.

Hang in there :o)

SJayneI said...

Hi there! Sounds like you need a little get-away or a 'mommy and me' class or something. Keep your chin up; your children are beautiful and I'm sure they understand an occasional missed diaper. :)

Kim said...

I'm one of those bloggers you don't know so let me say...you didn't say or do ANYTHING wrong. I'm just a mouse click away if you're having a bad day.

Getting out of the house and getting some sun and fresh air never hurts.

Your family is beautiful!

Amy said...

Your stalker here. No excuse but I have been working more this summer and it has TOTALLY cut into my blog time. I will be honest and say I am only mad at you because you invited KJ to visit and not me and my crazy brood. hahaha!!

I agree with KJ that we all could have wrote this at some point, more than once. Having a toddler and twin infants is so very hard at times. The lack of sleep alone can kill us. Then add in the hormones of being women and all hell breaks loose. That baby girl of yours is just that, a baby. Even now at times I wonder what my twins want when they cry and they are 20 months. You do know you kids! Just remember each day is a new day for them and they are constantly growing, learning and getting frustrated with the world around them.

Finally, how is that baby girl of yours? As I write this I realize this post is not from today. Did she continue to cry off and on? I hope she and YOU are doing better. We bloggers love you!!

Babykins said...

I've been there with the diaper thing (had 3 in diapers for a short time, and depending on the day they all wore the same size). Taking 2 anywhere at times in my HMO is not an easy task.