Monday, August 27, 2007

Poop, Puke and Slugs

I woke at 4 am to the thundering footsteps of my dog tiptoeing down the stairs. What the...?
"Cindy - did you take him out before we went to bed?"
unidentifiable grunt
So my girl got up and went down to take him out. I followed a couple minutes later because I didn't hear any doors open.
The smell of diarrhea poop knocked me off my feet. The entry rug on the tile floor near the back door was missing. hmmmmmmmmm...
I proceeded through the living room toward the laundry room, where I saw a light on. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! What the fuck! What did I just step in? Puke.
Enter the laundry room and see Cindy standing just standing there- looking quite defeated. Loose poop everywhere.
No screaming, no yelling. She just grabbed the papertowels and the mop and got right to work. Bless her heart!
I took Max out and he expelled more liquid from his behind and we came back in.
If all this doesn't sound bad enough, it gets MUCH worse!
As I walked out the door to walk Max, I saw it. A SLUG! It was at least a foot long and 3 inches in diameter. OK, maybe, just maybe , it was a little smaller than that. It was speeding for the poop laden rug Cindy threw out into the yard. (Yup, you guessed it, that's my big job today. Power washer here I come!) It had it's antennae up and it was cruising. UUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! Gross! The fear and anxiety are now welling up. Gotta get rid of it. Can't let it get on that rug and sit there for the next few hours until I clean it. If one came so fast, there will surely be others. A slug party! No F*in way - not on my rug, not on my watch. So I picked up a couple sticks and managed to pick up the slug and fling it into the street. I figured that would buy me a couple hours. I walk back up to the house and there are 3 more on their way to the rug. Oh My God - what now? I know, beer. K told me beer. But do I have any slugworthy beer? Do I have any residual Coors Light from last year's party when my beer-drinkin', former friends came? Lemme check.
I move to the doorway to the laundry room where Cindy is on her 2nd round of mopping. "Cin, throw me a beer - a Coors Light."
Puzzled look.
"Uhhhh, what?"
"Slugs, I need beer for the slugs".
"OH, I thought you were gonna start drinking right now."
I'm thinking, this is not a bad idea, but no, I'll wait til noon.
"No, I'm gonna put the beer out and the fuckers will crawl in and explode." OK, I knew they wouldn't explode, but it made me feel better that they would die a horrible death rather than just getting drunk and dying of alcohol poisoning.
Got an old Chinese food tupperware - I knew there was a reason I kept these things -cracked open the can and poured it in.
I went upstairs to feed my now screaming babies and hoped for the best.
5 am - feeding done, Cindy coming upstairs to get her last 20 minutes of sleep before her alarm goes off and she has to get up for work. I make a left out of the babies room and something stopped me. I turned around and went downstairs to see how my beer bowl of torture was working.
3 slugs were slowly making their way toward the bowl. Too slow. What if they didn't go in? What if they were just playing with me and were really headed for the rug again. or worse yet, my house???!!!!! Nuh-uh. No way, not this time.
I picked up 2 more sticks and headed for the biggest fucker of the 3.
I reached for him. He rolled up, he struggled, made his slimy body into a hard ball. The game was on. I looked for 2 bigger sticks, hoping not to step on a slug while I was making my way to the driveway to get them. Success - 2 huge sticks. Now he was mine.
Back to the big fucker. Squished him between the sticks and dropped him into the beer.
Stood there. Watched. And watched. Patience, Elyse, something will happen. He moved around a little, like he was drinking it, like he enjoyed it. Not unlike I might do if I were dropped into a vat of Cosmos. I digress. Still nothing. So I picked up the 2nd biggest, dropped him in. Then the 3rd - kerplunk!
And it was done. I felt cleansed.
I went inside and back to bed after several thorough hand and feet washings.
As I lay in bed trying to fall back to sleep, feeling victorious, it hit me. I am terrified of these disgusting creatures and they cripple me with anxiety. I haven't won - not yet. I started getting nuts, worried that I am on a downward spiral into some kind of mental illness. One that will cause me to see slugs everywhere and in my dreams. And I will feel them on my skin and there will be some large sluglike creature following me everywhere I go, waiting for just the right moment to slime me, rendering me motionless, then sliding over me and absorbing my body into his.
Go into bathroom, take ativan, return to bed. Wait, wait, wait. Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sleep.

I woke this morning and checked on my drunk little captives. There were four! I captured one - for real. I captured him! And he appears to be an adolescent, not huge like the others. This is a victory. I stopped him before he reached maturity, before he can do irreparable damage - to my psyche and my hostas.
That's right, our big beautiful, lush hostas are the reason we have slugs. I looked a few things up this morning and will leave you with these, my favorite fun facts.

I won't dare post a picture of my conquest.
Or maybe I'll put it to my blogger friends - should I post the picture? What's your vote?

All slugs are hermaphrodites.

Hostas and lettuce are two of their favorite foods. But they will happily chow down on just about any plant in your garden. But don’t worry—there are many non-toxic ways to subdue these slimy sons of snot!

1) Beer. Yes, it really does work. It’s also the best non-personal way to confirm that overnight damage is due to the slimy beasts. Just don’t use the often-cited “stale beer”, which slugs like about as much as you and I do. Place commercial traps or old margarine tubs on top of the soil close to the damaged plants, wait until dusk and then fill them with the cheapest—but freshest—beer you can find. The next morning, they should be filled with dead drunken slugs. Dump this defeated debris nearby (where it will attract their cannibalistic pals) and repeat every evening.

2) Copper. Slugs get shocked when they touch this shiny metal. Drop captured slugs into a jar of pennies and watch ‘em spark!
this is by far my favorite method mentioned, though way too personal.

3) Boards. Lay some old planks between your garden beds. The vampiric slugs will crawl underneath to hide from the sun. Come morning, lift the boards and scrape the slugs into a bucket with a flat piece of metal. Then do with them what you will. Hey—got any pennies?)

4) Human hair. Surround your plants with a protective barrier of hair. The slugs will get all tangled up in it and strangle (hey—it was them or the hostas!); and the hair will eventually add plant-feeding nitrogen to the soil.


K - you asked for it...


Tammy said...

OMG! I am reading your blog over my second cup of coffee at work and my stomach is turning. Sorry you had such a bad morning. Just think-it can't get much worse now! :)

K J and the kids said...

OR it will add all of the drugs and alcohol from your wild youth that stays in your system and finds its way to the roots of your hair follicle. Turning your hostas hostile.

I hate spiders the way you hate slugs. I wish I could just get drunk....I mean them drunk and they'd die.

I'm very proud of you for thinking so late at night. Taking GREAT advice and ridding your garden of those slimmy horrible creatures.

Post the picture. I'd like to see it :)

ECand3 said...

Tam - I know - GROSS! Imagine how I felt. The poo and puke was nothing compared to the slugs.

KJ - It was GREAT advice. Thanks. You asked for it and I will post the picture shortly.

Tammy said... are the infamous slugs. I think it would be a little more exciting to see the penny trick

ECand3 said...

OK, Tam, you asked for it. I will start a penny jar and let the sparks fly!

Kim said...

Lordy! I was getting stressed just reading your story and then to SEE the nasty things? EWW!

Is the dog ok?

ajs4ever said...

EEEeeeewwwwww! You just had to do it, didn't ya? The penny sparking things sounds kinda interesting...hhhmmmmm. What does that say about me???

Stef said...

NASTY!! I have never seen such big slugs!! i dont mind slugs.. I think my biggest fear is snakes.. UHHHHgghhh

MizB said...

OH YUCK !! glad i don't have slugs
in my yard. Just huge spiders and
hornets. I do a lot of screaming.LOL

Babykins said...

Eeeewww slimmy things, yuck! The boys think their cool.

Holly said...

Of course K wanted to see the picture! ugh. yuck. Those are some large slugs.

When we were kids, we used to pour salt or beer (Budweiser my mother only kept for "slug beer") on slugs in the driveway and entertain ourselves.

ECand3 said...

Kim - it was very stressful, hence the ativan when it ws over.

AJS - you aren't the only one who wants the penny experiment - we did it - see my blog for results.

Stef - I love snakes - very cool animals.

MizB - I was attacked by hornets 2 year ao, and still, slugs are much worse for me.

Babykins - of course the boys love them - they are boys! Olivia loves to look for them now, too.

Holly - Bud should only be for slugs (hehe)- no offense to he Bud girls out there. K is a sicko - what did you expect?
The slugs were double the size and width of my thumb!

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