Friday, April 27, 2007

A Mother's Love

On Wednesday I woke with a sense of profound loneliness. How could it be? The house was full of people, my entire family was here with me. I went on about my business of getting Olivia ready for school, feeding the twins, feeding the dog, cleaning the house, etc. I thought the feeling would would fade as the day wore on. It never did.
It was only this morning that I realized what it was. It was the anniversary of my Mom's death. She has been gone for 8 years. It still seems so unreal. How could I have forgotten? Now the feeling is back, but worse.
It's a rainy, gloomy day and I am quite sure I will think of little else today. I know because I have these days every year, and they don't seem to get any better with the passage of time. In fact, they get worse. Worse because there is so much in my life now that I wish I could share with her; so many things she would have been so proud of me for. Worse because she would never know that, despite any doubts she may have had, she really did do a good job as a mom. Worse because she never met Cindy, whom she would have adored, and because she never knew the joy of her grandchildren. That saddens me most.

It wasn't until I was in my late 20's that I realized just what great lady she was and how lucky I was that she was my mother.

And so I have regrets.
I wish I didn't give her trouble and make her worry when I was young.
I wish I never said anything to hurt her feelings.
I wish I never made her cry.
I wish I spent more time with her.
I wish I realized what a special woman she was long before I did.
I wish I told her how smart and witty I thought she was.
I wish I told her I loved her more than I did.
I wish I called her more, just to say hi.
I wish I hugged her more.
I wish I told her I felt blessed to be her daughter.
Most of all, I wish she were here.

As Mother's Day approaches, I will think of her often and fondly. I will not remember the arguments, the hurtful words or the times we didn't speak. I will remember her smile, her laughter and how I felt when she hugged me and told me that she loved me.
I know now that a Mother's love is powerful; it can define you. I will remember that I am a mother now, and it is an awesome responsibility.
And I will pray for the strength and wisdom to do right by my children, and that they always know, as I did, that they are loved.


K J and the kids said...

I'm sorry that you are sad. I'm sorry that you lost your mom too soon. I'm sorry that you have regrets. I can guarantee that she knows you are happy and that she knows she had something to do with it. I'm certain she is VERY proud of you and the mother and wife that you've become.

SJayneI said...

That is a beautiful post. I, too, will be thinking of my Mother this Mother's Day. We lost her 5 months ago, so it is all still fresh. There is no way to describe how lonely and helpless you feel after your mother is gone. It is a feeling I never imagined; I cannot count the times I've actually picked up the phone to call her and then realized that I can't. Feel however you need to feel today, knowing that these feelings keep her close to you.

nailgirl24 said...

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I am sure that she would have been very proud of you and all of your accomplishments.

Dee said...

What a wonderful post. Thank you so much for sharing. It reminds me to not take my mother for granted. We have a difficult relationship and sometimes I need someone to tell me to get over it. Thank you for that.

ECand3 said...

Thank you all for your thoughtful, caring comments.
sjaynei - I still want to pick the phone up and call - it never stops.
kj/nailgirl - I hope I have made her proud - thanks.
dee - It's hard to see the good stuff when we are mired in the bad. It helps to step back now and then and take a fresh look from a new perspective. I'm so glad you are able to do that.